Queering* Myself

I am a writer who is afraid of writing;
I am a speaker who is  afraid to speak to more than two people at a time;
I am an activist who is full of courage but always fearful;
I am a reader who reads and dreams at the same time;
I am an educator who is constantly learning;
I am real and fake and often cannot tell the difference at a given moment;
I love people but feel safer on my own;
I am always on the run but cannot hide;
My home is where my heart is which may or may not be where my home is;
I love to take photos but after 20 years still cannot get it right – but just occasionally very occasionally I get it right and that makes all the failures worthwhile;
I am full of confidence and drowning in self-doubt;
Each day without fail I wake up with anxiety but I always manage to make it through the day;
I am visible and therefore vulnerable to shame;
I am invisible and therefore vulnerable to being silenced;
I am connected but full of disconnections to people, to situations, to experiences.
I have a longing yet my belly is full.  I am imperfect but yearn to be perfect.

I have passed through many places, created many spaces, loved many people,  made many wrongs but in all my life I do not know what I have done. This is me and with whom I must live with on the most intimate of terms  – but I know with the certainty that  night follows day that I am not alone in this.

 

*Queer = ? ! :Q

Sokari Ekine is a Nigerian-British,  educator, writer and photographer who has lived and worked internationally in Africa, Europe, the Caribbean and the US.  Published work and bio

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